who was screaming my name outside my apartment building yesterday evening??? whoever it was, sounded like they really wanted to talk or possibly in trouble. either way, what i heard was, "ashley.. ASHLEY!! ALLY!!!!!!"
there are only a select few on this planet who know me and address me as ally. but i still can't figure out who it could be, and when i walked out on to the balcony whoever it was, was gone. and i highly doubt there is someone else at my apartment named ashley, with a nickname such as ally, as ally is a short form for the name allison.
confusing. hope whoever was, didn't need anything and just wanted to say hello. and whoever that was, sorry i don't have a buzzer or apartment listing down in the lobby, my landlords blow goats for cheese.
8:39 pm - i'll make this post public to please the masses?
so, i just went through my lj friends list. should have done this a long time ago! i found so many journals that were entirely abondoned, keeping friends on friends lists but using buddy lists so you can't even read what they have been writing, and people who haven't updated their journals in a month on rarely ever do that i've been wondering, hey where are YOU?
but, it was pleasant going through it. i saw all the faces of those i speak to in rl and online, those i know are in my life and keeping up to date with me, and so on and so forth. good stuff, good times...
so, i apologise in advanced if i've deleted you and yr all like wtf. just send me a msg. but i doubt i've made any mistakes. those left are people i actualy talk to and connect with, and thats how its going to stay. this isn't a public journal. my myspace is. my link is in my profile.
peace, love and cookies...
ps. and for those who are wondering. whatever public entries you do see, check the date. they are one thousand years old. anything in recent times is a mistake, and should be public.
kkthnxbai!
AND...
here is something to make everyone and anyone smile! this is so fucking cute, i nearly vomited all over myself in excitement when i saw it. hahaha.
hahaha, zomg.
current mood: content current music: neutral milk hotel (two headed boy).
i think sometimes, i forget... how much fun my husband and i have together, and how awesome he really is. through and through....
we just wrestled on the futon, which is in bed form in the living room becasue we are fat asses, for 30 min... then baked shortbread cookies. how awesome are we.
we had a sweet tooth thing going on, we're poor and have no food, yet, we seemed to find the exact ingredients for shortbread cookies. and then i added in red food die to make them pink and cute, then blue thinking they would turn purple, but they looked like poo. the colour... of poo.
i <3 giggling and tickling and wrestling. it makes my insides super happy. haha!
ps. the shortbread cookies were tasty. woo!
current mood: giddy current music: watching weeds on showcase, awesome fucking show.
*sigh* all is not well in the McFarlane-Smyth household. my dear bearded dragon JAX is very ill. i always knew that beardies were extremely hard to care for, but i never realised that the vetenary bills were insanely expensive and equild hard to deal with. there are limited reptile specialists in the city, and because of that, the vetenary care is very pricey.
for a few days, i watched Jax very closley. he started to become a little less active, then he stopped perching on his wood close to the heat source, which turned into him lying limp on the subtrate, barely being able to lift his head or limbs. he stopped eating too. i noticed also, it was quite the effort for him to move, he was pushing himself around, just barely with his back legs, rather than simply walking around, or running.
i booked an emergency appointment yesterday morning at the high park vetenary hospital, and rushed over first thing. i stayed up the whole night before hand, calling an emergency over night vet hospital, every hour with questions and concerns. they couldn't do much for him, since none of them specilized in reptiles. there just isnt the demand for them apparenlty...
they wanted to run a million tests, which ran up to $600. i could only afford half of that, sadly, but with what i could pay, they were able to do alot. they were worried he may have metebolic bone desiese, or some kind of parasite. i got the test results today from some blood tests, and it turns out to be a calcium deficiency. somehow, with all the proper UV lighting, heat, diet and calcium suppliments, he wasn't recieving enough calcium still. at the moment i am force feeding him squash baby food a few times a day, since he wont eat, and liquid calcium every 12 hours. they are also concerned he may have some kind of kidney infection, which could lead to kidney failure. i'm also collecting stool samples, i need three, which will be examined when i return for a check up next tuesday.
he's doing a little better today. much more perky and alert. his eyes are open, they were very squinty before, he's able to lift his head and his body, his limbs seem to be stronger, he's even moving around a little. he's still laying on the ground, he doesn't seem to be able or desire to perch on his wood. he seems to be responding to treatment.
the sad fact is, told to me by the vet, that he still may die. wether because he doesn't respond enough to calcium treatment, or kidney failure if he does turn out to have a kidney infection. cause, unkown.
when i was at the vet, i couldn't stop crying. i have never felt so scared or sad, over one of my babies, in a very long time. i have never run into health problems with any of my pets before, not really, just once before with my cat charley when she ran into a milk duct infection after having a litter before boddah my male cat was neutered, but that was easily treated and she recovered in no time at all. i still can't stop crying. i'm so sad, and so stressed out.
my animals mean so much to me. they are more than just pets to me, they are my loved ones, my babies, my family. i treat and view animals and all living creatures as equils, and i cherish their life and their companionship very much. they are always there for me, love me, and i can always count on them. they are my friends, my babies, my family, they mean the world to me.
i have a follow up appointment on tuesday. they may want to run more tests, and i'm uncertain if i can afford them. i offered to give him up to the human society, in hopes they could do all they could for him, but i was told they would just euthanize him rather than treat him, and he had a better fighthing chance to live if i could do all i could for him. i'm almost ready to sell all i have to save his life. god, i dont know what to do...
AND, on top of all that, my cat wednesday has an infection, and i have to bring her to the vet on saturday. luckily, this checkup will only cost $50, it's much cheaper to treat a cat, than an exotic animal. and i pray that she is not seriously ill and will require alot of treatment which will run a huge tab i can only imagine.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, too much happening all at once. my babies never get sick, WTF. *sigh*
ppl have been very kind to me, in helping me out. i play this online game called second life, and you can convert the fake money you recieve, or make by selling stuff, its a whole story i'll explain later, into real money. and someone i know on this game is going to be giving me $40 in fake money to convert to real money by credit card, on friday. thats my cats vet bill right there. my heart exploded in his kindness. a perfect stranger giving out to me in my time of need, is something i have never experiened before. i couldn't believe it.
long story short, i hope my dragon pulls through. my heart will break if he dies. i'm trying to do all i can for him in effort to saving his life. send good thoughts out to me guys, pray for my baby, he needs it...
new years eve sucked monkey balls. holy shit. i NEVER have a bad new years, and this one, was the worst... i've ever had. ever. even thinking about it, my heart feels like its sinking in my chest, and i start to cry. i didn't do much. it was my husband, his friends from syracuse, and later on my friends. i think if my best friend didn't show up, i would have gone postal. or just, slept the night away. thank the sweet jebus they came. so, i listened to music, drank a little, cried a little, talked and fell asleep pretty early. but, with the company of my good friends, i still managed to have a good one for the most part. it was nice to have a little fun, after the week of hell i have been having. cleaning, packing, forgetting to eat or sleep, stress stress stress stress. puke. what bothers me most, is this is how i'll remember the first new years i have ever spent with matthew one, and married two, with my husband. *sigh* i'm not even going to explain all the stupid little things that happened. it's just, stupid. lame. whatever.
i had a good breakfast today, then slept 'till 8. i start work tomorrow. a new job.
You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. No. Explanations.
1. Yourself: procrastinating. 2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse: vacationing 3. Your hair: synthetic 4. Your mother: thoughtful 5. Your father: helpful 6. Your favorite item: canvas 7. Your dream last night: vacant 8. Your favorite drink: latte 9. Your dream car: small 10. The room you are in: bedroom 11. Your ex: pathetic 12. Your fear: abondonment 13. What you want to be in 10 years? thriving 14. Who you hung out with last night? computer 15. What you're not? fixed 16. Muffins: blueberry 17. One of your wish list items: monitor 18. Time: morning 19. The last thing you did: packed 20. What you are wearing: pj's 21. Your favorite weather: autumn 22. Your favorite book: unsure 23. The last thing you ate: perogies 24. Your life: content 25. Your mood: cheerful 26. Your best friend: husband 27. What are you thinking about right now? MMO's 28. Your car: commute 29. What are you doing at the moment? smoking 30. Your summer: jobless 31. Your relationship status: beautiful 32. What is on your TV? Breakfast-television 33. What is the weather like? chilly 34. When is the last time you laughed? recently
that was kinda fun. :) i'm seriously procrastinating. i'm supposed to be packing, matt and i finialy get our OWN APARTMENT saturday! two floors down in teh same building, but it's nice, and it'll be jsut us. i loved living with my previous roomate mike. but it was time we had our own place. we're married, and have our own little family. time to start building on that. NO i'm not talking about having kids, lol. but i'm sure you understand waht i mean. *sigh* i hate fucking packing, and i hate fucking moving. and matthew is in syracuse NY visiting his family for xmas, we couldn't afford to both go, and we both just went for their thanksgiving one month ago. and ALL THE PACKING IS LEFT FOR ME TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 yes, we could have done it together before he left, but, we both procrastinate like hell. oh well. time to get working i guess. maybe... one more cup of couple and a few more smokes. lololol
zomg i hate packing. errg. someone come help me... PLEASE??? i'll bake you cookies, i swear!
current mood: good current music: still watching breakfast television
i haven't wrote a damn thing in this journal, nor checked it or my friends page in a million years. why? who knows. SO, here's a quicky update on my little life. :D
i left school to get a full time job to support my family (my husband and i) because he still isn't a canadian permanent residant, i will take some time. *sigh* i will return next fall, and may possibly go to OCAD instead of sheridan, for sculpture/bronzing/instilation/casting/mould making etc. rather than illustration. neat, huh?
i have bounced around from job to job, since my job at the coffee shop which turned out to suck balls. asshole dickhead snob faced poo brained bosses suck. i think i may finialy have something to settle down with, which envolves making local residents whithin the community aware of charity events and promoting them and encouraging ppl to come out, like the old timers event. honourable work and very good pay. good stuff!
my husband and i are happier then ever. struggling with money, but who doesn't in their younger years. things are great though. we're happy and surviving for the most part and there is much love all around. <3<3<3
i still have four cats, a lizard and a turtle. they are happy too. fluffy, scaley and happy.
i have found myself hybernating since september after school started, when i was in school. i don't remember going out anywhere other than out to eat or for coffee or to shop, like a club or a bar, in ages. maybe a few times. no reason, not avoiding anyone or anything. just, quiet lately.
i have become addicted to 'world of warcraft'. it's like crack. very... addictive... crack. and it's tons of fun. if you ever liked playing dugeons and dragons, this is your game. if you enjoy MMO's that is. you can find my game website at www.leetster.com/siddharta. yes, i am a fucking geek. what's it to you? lol. i also found this new game in the last week called secondlife. also very addicting. but nothing is better than WOW. lol. so, me and my husband, stay home, watch movies, and play wow. it's a nice quiet life. :)
edit: btw, if YOU play world of warcraft, you can find me on the Gorganash server. my name is siddharta, and i'm on the alliance side.
<-- me in darkshire. i love that place, so neat looking. ;p ps. my toon is HOT! look at her. rawr. i wish i had green hair though. :/ but noooo, matt said i should have purple hair. why did i listen to him? lolol
<-- me somewhere in darnasus, in auberdine i think... in my twinked out blues and AB gear, firey enchants and my sweet dragon which cost too much gold. lol. i'm awesome. haha. i'm only lvl 34 night elf rogue, but i'll be 60 by the time the expansion comes out with the help of my lvl 60 human mage husband, and my friends form the guild Vexed and my guild Bloodfaith, and others! hooray! anyone else looking forward to age of conan coming out? now THAT looks like a sweet MMO. so excited. *geeeek*
i have more clothes than any human should ever have. i'm ridiculous. and i never get rid of any of it.
i also have dreads again. synethic, so when i get bored of them, i wont cut them off like i did the last time. haha. i'm sure if yr in the toront area and yr into dreads/synth dreads, you've heard of Neko ad neko-designs.com, and if you haven't, go check her out. she's a great friend, and a master dread lady. i wouldn't trust anyone else with my dreading needs. :)
... and that's all i can think of for now.
SO.. HAPPY HOLIDAY'S everyone. hope everyone everywhere is having a good one, and has a great new year to come. hooray for life! :D
take care, la la la.
/end.
current mood: cheerful current music: breakfast television on city tv.
4:59 pm - fuck damn shit piss crap fucking mother fucker cock sucking son of a fucking whore bitch slut...
i fucking hate, fucking damn, fuck life! ARG!! so wrapped up with portfolio nonsense, work and my broken fucking teeth, life in generel, busy... busy.. busy... whatever. I FORGET, i fucking forget, nine inch nails tickets went on sale like, friday? UGH! they haven't toured since i was in grade nine. i am now 22 years old. i was, 15 or something. i don't feel so bad. apparenlty they sold out in about two minutes. i know a few people that stood in line four hours, the first maybe three people got tickets, and that was it.
soooo...
IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS TWO, OR EVEN ONE TICKET AVAILABLE FOR THE NINE INCH NAILS CONCERT IN TORONTO MAY 9TH or 10TH SHOW, LEEEET MEEEE KNOOOWW! and i swear i'll pay whatever, i'm getting my tax refund in a few days!!!
if not, it looks like i'm going to have to depend on fucking scalpers that will rape me of every cent i have for those god damned tickets. probably better than ebay though, i'm seeing tickets go there for as high as $500 can, and as low as maybe, maybe, $200. blaaah. anyhooo. heres hoping? HELP MEEE! man, i'm... i'm sad. i can't believe i forgot about this. it was just like, thursday i think i said to brent, hey man... i can't forget about getting tickets to that show. eerrrg... HELP MEEEE! anyone? muurr? one of my best friends, ben, is hoping to score through a friend of his father who often has extra tickets to sold out shows. then we can rock, on, to the nine inch nails. ksjadjaksdd!! worst, day, ever. sorta. not really. but, it sucks.
this journal is one of severel places i go to, for a creative and emotional outlet. i'll post my writings and poems, some of my art, rantings and ramblings and everyday nonsense and words. i have nothing to hide, but i enjoy knowing who i am sharing some parts of my everyday life with, as well as my art and my words, which communicate my feelings, my emotions, the way i think and the way i see the world around me and everything and anything and everyone in it. what means what to me, what drvies and motivates me, why i am who i am and why i do what i do. if what i have to show and what i have to say has any interest to you, feel free to add me, and i'll most likely add you right back.
this is wonderful. the program that i wanted to get into. 500 get in, THOUSANDS apply. with this course, i will build my exsisting skills, gain new ones, and build an awesome portfolio for the 'bachelor of design (honours) course i want to take at sheridan/york. it's a joint program. and like the world famous animation and illustration courses at sheridan, it's damn hard to get into. again, thousands apply, 100 get in. with this art fundamentals course, if i do exceptionaly well, i will be able to get advanced standing into that course.
damn. i REALLY need art supplies now. i need to brush up majorly before september.
i still can't believe it. i've wanted to get into this course since grade 9. i'm insanely happy.
2:30 am - i'll bleed all over you, i'll bleed all over the world, i'll bleed for you...
i never thought i'd go and do this, but i think i have to for the time being...
i hate to restrict myself and have bounderies on my thoughts and feelings and free expression, and compromise all of that for something other than for me, but for right now, for certain reasons i feel i have too.
this journal is friends only now.
if you want to read my journal, just add me and i'll prolly add you back.
//rock.
[miss selfdestruct.]
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<small>i never thought i'd go and do this, but i think i have to for the time being...
i hate to restrict myself and have bounderies on my thoughts and feelings and free expression, and compromise all of that for something other than for me, but for right now, for certain reasons i feel i have too.
this journal is friends only now.
if you want to read my journal, just add me and i'll prolly add you back.
this is crazy insane and super fun. go try. go fucker, go! goooo! go? go.
i wanna make one of those silly livejournal trading cards that's floating about. if you haven't seen it yet, i'm sure you will soon. in a huge community like livejournal, it's doesn't take long at all for something to spread all around.
10:51 pm - i remember then, when i was just a blue little child....
where's all my ripped and grosse messy clothes. and my rat nest hair? fuckdammit. i need to go thrifting and ripping. i think i'll get dreads again. better ones. my hair isn't grosse enough anymore. what the hells been happening with me? i wanna watch tankgirl? i have indegestion. i'm bored and tired. fuck you.
~
it doesn't matter what time of the day it is, what i'm doing or what's happening around me, or what i'm thinking, memories from any time in the past, even when i was just a wee lass, will float through my mind. sometimes, relating to what i'm thinking or doing, but sometimes, memories that have nothing to do with anything that i'm thinking or doing or anything.
today i was at work, standing at the cash, and i remembered the big tree in one of the forts i built when i was a small child with some neighbour fucks. and i remembered visiting this tree when i was a little bit older, still in grade school, still young... and i'd sit in this tree, on the second branch up, pretty far up i the middle of this little forst by my home thinking... if only i had these powers, where i could do anything, i would be thinner and prettier and more talented. i'd have friends, and most of all, i'd be happy and i would stop crying all the time, and my family would love me. i was in grade 5 or 6. or younger.
i forgot about this. and i suddenly remembered for no reason at all in the middle of the day.
i'd sit there, and picture my self changing and being able to do all these things in just a flash or a wink or a wisp of a finger in the air. and i'd visualize this happening, right there under my tree in the middle of the forest, and i'd play out in my head what things would be like after.
i'm sure i really did paint things like that. infact, i know i did. the teachers were always so concerned in gradeschool. the older i got, i think they just looked at me funny. i painted alot of dragons and unicorns and swans too.
on another note, i'm extremely excited. i've been in and out of school for years and years. grade ten? or eleven... and i never finished highschool, and i'm a 'lil behind. i should have graduated this year. but when my emotional and mental illnesses began to peak and get worse, i really couldn't and didn't want to, get out of bed. and i couldn't and didnt' want to handle anything. i was for some time, in a very bad place. unmotivated and uninspired, and i just, couldn't do the school thing. or much at all. and i'm still struggling with such things. it was upsetting, because i was a good student. my grades were always extremely high, and i took part in a few school groups that i enjoyed. the debate club, art club, yearbook, poetry and writing club. me = super geek and nerd. wee! and i was on the bloody honour roll, won arts awards. i was good at school. i enjoyed school too. i loved learning. cept math. math must burn and die. i loved religion, and english, art and music, history, computers!
either way, i need to finish school, i do. so, the plan was, adult learning centre. like regular school, but a bit fast paced. i'm not sure why i stopped that, i was doing well. i couldn't handle something maybe, i don't know. so, my idea has been then, to finish highschool through corospondents. working at home on my own time. hard, and i'd have to be very diciplined, and it would take some time.... i've been trying to stay clear of taking the highschool equivelancy test, not that i don't think i could manage it, but i'm afraid of what it would look like when i apply for colledge. i'm sure i makes no difference. but mostly i really had my heart set on taking each course, so i could learn and do it, because i really actualy want to do it. each course. i like school. :D
but, i'm going to be twenty in half a year. this is all very unrealistic. not so much, it can be done. but i need to go to colledge. welll... i figured it out with some advice, funny enough, from my mother.
i'm going to apply to colledge as a mature student. you do so by taking a test, based on the skills you have aquired in life and in school, and this and that. i might have to take a few additional courses before hand and what not, but i can do it! i have to be 19 and out of school for atleast one year, and i have. i fit all the requirements and can do it all, so i'm fucking so happy! by september next year, one year, i'll be in school for art fundamentals, at either ocad or sheriden to go through all art medias, learn and build my portfolio, and discover which art field i'm strongest in. than i'm off for photography, graphic arts and design, or makeup arts (normal makeup shit and special affects, which i'd like to do more.)
i'm beaming. this takes off so much stress and constant worry and fear and time. this is going to make everything so much better.
and...
by october, jon and i will most likely be living in toronto, with my old friend ben. he needs to find an appartment for his fourth year in university, and jon and i want to move out, and ben is looking for a roommate. sooooo. so jon and i need to save our money, find new jobs in the city, and. yep. :) we've wanted to move out for sometime, but haven't had things all figured out yet, about life and school, and had much to take of first, and money to save, and a decision on where to move to and who with and if even. but i think we have it all figured out.
falling deep girl, she -hides-. smashing her face over and over on that coffee table. her arms are open, split [open], with little lines of white and red.
i'm tired. and bored. in the last few months, i haven't been well. fining myself more bored and sick than ever, and i dont do much at all.
the motivation to make art of all kinds and write, has been rising more and more in the passing few months. which is good. cos it's what i do, what i need to do. more inspiration and ideas have been coming to me. i've felt i've actualy had something to say, that's important, or important to me. or just something to say, not nothing, maybe even something, original....
i know i've written of this time and time before, but it's something that matters to me alot, and concerns me and hurts me more than ever.
i've had such horrible writers and artits block for a year or so now. i've hardly done much at all. and it scares me. a friend told me a while back, that because i haven't written or created anything in so long, that i'm scared to start again. even if the motivation and drive to do so has returned. and i think he was right. silly, isn't it. i'm scared to start again, what i've always done and loved.
but i'm getting there... i have alot of projects that i've started and need to start. some performace art and colaborative art projects with a friend too. i still need to work on buying another camera, filters and lenses and fix the currents broken one, and alot of other art supplies. i do nee dto write alot more thought. but it's coming to me, slowly. it is. i have so much to say, so many ideas, and manifestos, and stories.... but i can't seem to find the words to express them, or i simply don't have enough inspiration or motivation. or i'm still scared. writing is important to me. and my art.
~
the job is going well. it's frustrating though, that i've been receiving quite a few phone calls for interviews and job offers, which i will turn down... but what if i'm turning down something better, or something that pays more. oh well....
jon and i are doing pefectly wonderful as always. its almost nine months. nine months.... feels more like forever, or atleast ten years. today, we're going underwear shopping for him. lol. :)
we're hoping to have our own place in the coming months. he really wants to get away from his family, they can be very terrible to him. so we're going to save and hunt for a good place either here in oakville or in toronot. on our own or with roomates. we need to save alot first and take care fo some things first. jon needs to figure out where and what he's going to do for school, and take care of some debt stuff. i have to do some of the same. i've been out of school for a very long time. i needed, alot of time off in the past. and i should have graduated this year. i'm afraid to start again and worried of how long it will take me, but i will be doing corospondents come september, so i hope to work hard and fast to finish my high school degree and move on to college and such.
i'm tired. i'm always tired. i think i will lye down.
current mood: melancholy current music: [matthew good band.]
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sidd_de_sade's journal
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